Alone

I have reached a point in my life where I’m wondering if I have hit rock bottom.  If I haven’t touched the bottom of the well yet, I am pretty close.  I do know that moving back into my parents house would be beyond rock bottom.  I would be a failure.  There is no up from there.  Moving back into my parents house would be the equivalent of being six feet under.  The torment that I faced as a child, and periodic anguish I face as an adult (even though I’m 800 miles away) would permiate and consume my being.  I’m not sure how much more criticizm I could take.

Right now I feel like I am two different people.   Determined Aubrey wants to prove everyone wrong.  Succeed without help from anyone, doing everything her way.  And Say “Fuck You!” to anyone with an opinion.  Depressed Aubrey wants to give up on life.  Because there isn’t much left to live for.  There is a high probability of failure.  When you have learned that the efforts you put in never make a difference, why bother?  In high school and college, if I studied for a test or didnt study, it would result in the same grade.  So why study?  Same with job searches and weight loss.  I dont loose weight by dieting and working out, so whats the point?

What’s more is no one I know seems to care or understand my pain.  I take back what I said before about not being sure about where I am.  I’m absolutely positive I’ve hit rock bottom.

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