Last week I was enchanted by public transit: the train specifically. I like the solstice it provides. I can write. The world stops for me. However, today I was reminded of the challenges it presents.
Today, for example, as soon as I found a wide open seat at a booth by a window I get company. Some guy in his mid 20s sits across from me. When he smiled I noticed his front teeth were eroded three-quarters of the way up to his gums. I always think “Really? There are plenty of open seats.” And its not that he sits there is the main problem– it’s that he smells. Somehow I forget that the train is used frequently by the unwashed. Please forgive me, I know I shouldn’t judge. But I have headphones on. Do I look like I’d like to chat or get to know you?
Now that I’ve escaped stinky, I can focus on other things. I thought I wouldn’t be able to write today. I thought I exhausted everything creative in me. Oddly enough, that stinky, toothless man’s attempt at hitting on me was enough inspiration.
Sometimes I get so irritated and frustrated about life, writing is one of the main ways I can cope. What I need to do, though, is channel some of that emotion and anxiety towards my story. Working on my short story last night was so satisfying. It’s like I finally was able to scratch an itch I couldn’t reach on my back.I have 10-15 pages due really soon. I want to have 8 done before Friday. Working on that story yesterday gave me a sense of peace. Writing gives me a sense of clarity that I haven’t had it a while. Hopefully, I can keep it up.
I got into grad school. I’m really excited that this is happening. But I won’t be starting school until the fall semester. I’m okay with that. I just won’t have the financial help of financial aid. At least not until school starts anyway. I’ll have the opportunity to follow my dreams. I can apply to “student only” internships. I can practice, practice, practice, until I’m a great writer. I have a second chance at school.
Even though I didn’t find out about grad school before I came down to florida, I’ve been trying to get everything settled. I should be able to transfer from my job in NC to one in FL. I have no apartment yet and I don’t have a start date for work. My Mom is leaving on sunday. I have to figure this all out in a matter of days. What do I do if my parents leave before I’m ready to move? I guess this is where I am relying on a little faith.
I know this is going to be hard work. I tell my boyfriend about the apartments I’m going to see tomorrow, and the neighborhood I’d like to live in. He keeps asking me how am I going to get to work? How do I plan on getting around? The bus, I tell him. I think he feels that he could at least help me out when I was living nearby. But now that I’m going to be a half an hour away from him, he cant do anything to help me. But thats okay.
I have to do this on my own. I have to prove to everyone who thinks I am going to fail, that I’m not. Sometimes, I feel my parents are resigned to the fact that I cant do this, not my way at least. Yes, I will have to take the bus. Yes, it will be really hot outside. Yes, it will rain and I may just get wet. Yes, it may take me an hour to get to work. But I’ll make it work. I will save for a car. I will pay down my bad debt so I can get a car loan. I’ll do what I need to, to get by. I’m not sure I’ve ever worked this hard for something. I’m not ready to give up. I’m so close and I don’t know whats going to happen. I’m scared out of my mind.
I’m getting kind of excited about taking the train. People in Europe take the train all the time to travel; But train travel in the United States is nearly obsolete. I only have one choice as to which train I’m going to take to South Carolina. I think that its going to be a romantic trip, even though I’m going alone. Perhaps it will be inspiring and I can get some beautiful poetry out of this. But then again, being alone for 13 hours may be boring. I’ll have my laptop, and music. We shall see.